It’s all gone to sh*t, as expected…

Uncategorized

I clearly can’t be trusted. TiBloPoDaJa all went to shit as expected. I throw myself at your mercy. Not one blog post was forthcoming from 3rd January onwards. I just had other things to do. Actually that’s a complete lie. I mainly self-loathed during January.  That dark winter January self-loathing won’t self-loathe itself you know. 

 Anyway onwards and upwards! Let’s try again shall we? Here’s some nonsense I’ve been thinking about over the last few days since my immune system has ONCE AGAIN been compromised and I’ve had time to flick angrily through Netflix going “Well THAT looks pish” while at the same time scrolling through Facebook sneering at more or less everybloodything.

1 – I don’t consider myself to be particularly romantic, in fact I’m a bit of an eye-roller when it comes to schmaltzy romantic things, but I archived (as in I didn’t delete them off my phone which causes it to groan and wheeze under the weight of all those megabytes of nonsense)  the thousands of texts Les and I sent each other in the early days of our relationship when it was all hahaha hehehe and awwwwww and me making an effort with my appearance and sleeping with my toes pointed.  Apart from singing the bankles and frankles song (the doggy equivalent of head, shoulders knees and toes) with Tucker, some things that soothe my crabbit soul include scrolling back through those texts and laughing and sighing afresh at those halcyon days. 

I had a wee scroll through them again last night when I couldn’t sleep due to a completely misjudged nap earlier in the evening and it struck me that I must make an effort again like I did in those early days when personal standards were very much maintained. It seems that now whenever she looks at me,  and I like to think it’s with at least some smidgeon of fondness after a year and bit of marriage,  I’m either bent over in my dressing gown in the garden picking up Tucker’s poop, or on the couch with a magnifying mirror plucking the hairs out of my chin (like holding back the tide – completely futile) or yanking a pair of big pants over my tights to stop the dreaded gusset droop. The latest addition to the questionable loveliness that is me is the gap where my tooth was yanked out following a banana loaf eating incident. How the mighty have fallen – but it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow so I might spray myself liberally with manky old Avon body spray and try to be in an at best ‘pleasant’ mood. 

2 – It also struck me that due to the annual January downer I haven’t worn lipstick much thus far in 2018, which might not sound like a hill of beans to you, but to me I might as well go out naked from the waist down. I tried wearing it today but my lips seem to have done some weird inverted thing and it’s like trying to put lipstick on a cat’s arse and there’s no way THAT’S going to end well. 

3 – I don’t know why I’m numbering these points as if they’re issues of some great global consequence. 

4 – But since we’re numbering them let’s press on, shall we?

5 – It might just be my compromised immune system making me even more intolerant than usual but I’ll tell you what I’m sick to death of – supermarket bananas, garlic and potatoes. I’m sick to the back teeth of having to make an appointment to eat a fucking banana. I don’t want to buy green bananas any more and I’m not standing for it. Furthermore, I’m sick of buying garlic – and here Tesco I’m looking at you – only to take the paper off it and find each clove a dried up husk like it was picked in 1984. Re potatoes – they don’t taste of potato any more and believe you me I’ve tried them all. Let’s rise up against mediocre vegetables. But you’ll have to do it because I was already over it when I got to the moan about potatoes. 

6  – Got a new car two weeks ago. It’s filthy already – inside and out. Spent £££££££s on Amazon on wet dog repelling seat covers but he stands everywhere except where the covers are. FML. 

7 – We hadn’t budgeted for and can’t afford numero 6 above. FMFL.

8 – In an effort to get a handle on numeros 6 and 7 above, I downloaded a money management app but I find it all very confusing and it seems I’ve spent £557 on something called ‘enjoyment’ since 16th January which sounds WELL DODGY and I don’t recall experiencing enjoyment to that value since crisps are only about 60p a packet and I’m not allowed any of those for really boring reasons. 

9 a) Meghan Markle and Prince Harry were in Edinburgh today (I’m smiling weakly because I don’t REALLY care even though they seem to be nice enough people) and I’m reminded about how annoyed I was with Bill Gates the other day when he kept pronouncing Edinburgh Edinburrow. The fuck is with that? I hate it. It’s not difficult. It’s EDINBURRAH geddit? It’s not like the people of Scotland have been pronouncing it wrong FFS!

9 b)The damp Edinburrow weather seems to have wreaked (wrought?) havoc with Meghan’s hair which someone in the royal camp should have foreseen, for godsake. I’d have someone’s head off for that, if I were a royal. 

10 a) can somebody explain to me how it’s possible to make money from cryptocurrency and 

10 b) is anybody watching Altered Carbon on the Netflix and if you are can you make out a single word Ortega is saying? I’ve had to switch on the subtitles. 

11) Trump is still a thing and still annoys me daily, the stupid fanny. 

13 Comments

  1. Lynne White 13/02/2018 7:06 PM

    you’re still funny 🙂

  2. Susan murray 13/02/2018 7:09 PM

    Fantastic doll xx utterly brilliant xx
    Our food is rotten all of it x
    !

  3. Joycey 13/02/2018 7:45 PM

    I’m doing the big pants over tights thing as I had ducks disease as opposed to gusset droop.
    Completely with you on the Bill Gates thing on Countryfile although I am not supposed to be letting things like that bother me these days. Habits and lifetime I suppose. Enjoyed blog muchly y’s very much 💕

  4. Jacquelyn 13/02/2018 7:50 PM

    Point 5- red rooster Albert bartlett are good..les allotment?…Tesco’s chill and dip bananas..try Lidl or the co-op, rotation seems poor at your store. Seasonal veg
    Point 8- 😂

    • tigerbaps 14/02/2018 9:30 AM

      Interesting! What’s chill and dip? I might avoid tesco for fruit and veg from now on.

  5. Catherine Worden 13/02/2018 7:52 PM

    You should submitt this to a newspaper/ladies magazine as you are clearly extremley funny, accurate and talented.
    Ever thought about writing a book?
    Thanks for cheering me up on a dismal evening. Xx

    • tigerbaps 19/02/2018 5:05 AM

      You’re too kind Catherine. But what magazine would tolerate my foul language?

  6. Carole Hastings 14/02/2018 12:24 AM

    Try lazy garlic no peeling just dip in a spoon of what ever size you desire nae faffin

  7. Susie J 14/02/2018 9:37 AM

    I love reading whatever you write – you have such a unique talent for sharing your thoughts and opinions with such a creative writing style – the world would truly benefit from a book written by you – many books even or a subscribed BLOG – you could go out in the morning, stay at home in the afternoon and write about your morning and spend your evening indulging in your fancy!!

    • tigerbaps 19/02/2018 5:04 AM

      Oh god if only I had the patience to write more. But I’m too busy scrolling through social media!

    • tigerbaps 19/02/2018 5:05 AM

      And you’re TOO kind 😘

  8. Elinor Predota 14/02/2018 12:52 PM

    I ❤️ this so much, and will be rising up against tasteless veggies forthwith.

    • tigerbaps 19/02/2018 5:03 AM

      We really must Elinor – unless of course it’s just my aged tastebuds that are to blame. Hadn’t thought of that til now…

Post a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

FOLLOW

Get the latest posts delivered to your mailbox: