Lists. Numbered. Kinda. 

General Nonsense

Things I don’t get:

  1. “Crumbed” ham. At no point ever in my life have I a) witnessed the following exchange:

Customer: “I’d like a ham sandwich please”

Waiter: “Certainly sir, coming right up”

Customer: “Oh wait – I want the ham with the weird sludgy yellow shit round the outside”

Waiter: “Ah sorry sir we’re fresh out of crumbed ham”

Customer exits stage left. 

Or b) chosen ham with the weird sludgy yellow shit round the outside over eg naked ham. 

  1. (This should be 2 not 1 but the numbering has gone all arse over tit) Black pudding. It’s solidified blood and fat! Who decided that was a thing! 
  2. (This should be 3 but see 2 above) People who pay things on credit cards then pay it off at the end of the month. 
  3. (Again – numbering – hellooooo) Characters in TV programmes who put their kids to bed and look back fondly at the child as they switch the light off and leave the room. And the child always falls asleep IMMEDIATELY. Mine never did that. Even if I looked back fondly at them which would only have happened if I’d been drinking or that time I got the good sleeping pills off the doc and floated around the house smiling beatifically at everything including piles of ironing. That was before docs got prissy about giving out the good shit. 
  4. (Or 5. Whatever) Oh that’s made me think about ironing. Yuck. I don’t iron. I just flap things around or stick them in the tumble drier with an ice cube. 

That’s all I’ve got. I’m a martyr to this toothache. I’m delirious with the pain. The broken toe has made a miraculous recovery, though, so swings and roundabouts innit. 


  1. Alison Ney 17/09/2015 9:54 PM

    On the important subject of ham, how did turkey ham ever come into being?! Turkeys don’t produce ham, pigs don’t produce eh eh Turkey. I don’t get it Bernard Matthews.

  2. gemmaritchie 20/09/2015 9:43 AM

    The jelly in a pork pie. Boak. I learned (from watching ‘Bake Off’ obviously) that they actually stick this stuff in there, and that is it not just the innocent by-product of meat boiling away inside hot water crust pastry or whatever it is. Why? Why?

    • tigerbaps thinks she's it. 20/09/2015 11:02 AM

      I know!! I thought the same. So they DELIBERATELY inject jelly from hell into the pie? What a time to be alive.

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