- That bloody elf thing. Where’s the bloody elf or whatever the shit it’s called. NOBODY BLADDY CARES. Who started this nonsense?
- Any referral to sparkling wine as “bubbly”.
- This effing diet.
- Security questions on websites. Fuck!
- Chummy “live chat” with customer advisers where you go round in bloody circles getting nowhere and get really crabbit and start using all the exclamation marks and they think you’re off your head.
- Buying Christmas presents
- Wrapping Christmas presents. I slithered off the couch earlier to wrap a thing and actually whimpered and just lay there half on and half off the couch staring into the middle distance thinking about bacon sandwiches and generally not wrapping presents.
- Kirstie Allsop’s faux wide-eyed wonder at all the Christmas tat these saps with too much time on their hands make with tree bark and felt or whatever. I’ve never had a “centrepiece” for the Christmas dinner table and haven’t died a winter yet for the want of one.
- Not being able to find my Grinch DVD in the garage of spidery horror. I refuse to buy it AGAIN.
- The unfathomable complexity of the Clydesdale Bank’s banking app. Could just be me. I’ve had no carbs for a month which is depriving my brain of something surely.
- That British astronaut being all smug and astronauty. And his wife, being all supportive and wifely.
I know. I’m a horrible person. Shut up. I don’t care.