Wake up around 7am. (Unless weekend when it’s 7pm). Consider oven chips with fried egg for breakfast. Realise that’s ludicrous so finish off Chinese from night before. Guddle in floordrobe for cleanish garments.
9am – Bit of housework to keep on top of things. Pick up panty liner stuck to bedroom carpet from Monday. Dust glass topped coffee table with pants sucked up by over-zealous Hoover from under couch. Wonder about provenance of pants. Remember. Feel ashamed. Double Mars bar. Be-Lurpakked toast. Two slices. White.
11am Half an hour of self-loathing. Dairylea Dunker (four pack)
12 noon – Worry about clusterfuck of life admin eg change of address from Feb 2014. Attempt to overcome fear of phone like proper grown-up. Practice being confident on phone in front of mirror but top lip sticks to teeth with nerves. Send emails instead. Six chicken nuggets and a family bag of Kettle Chips. Two Rennies. Diet Coke.
1pm Go for a run. In the car. To TK Maxx via Costa.
3pm – think about all the sex self is not having. Schedule in emergency half an hour of “me time” . (Requires batteries (4 x AA))(Cannibalise batteries from redundant remote for BT YouView which am too nervous to phone and cancel). Wonder if too early for vodka. Bar of cooking chocolate (desperate)
5pm – Enjoy a healthy dinner. Recipe: take two cucumbers, ginger, an apple, three carrots and a handful of goji berries. Put it all in the bin and order a pizza, chips and onion rings from Just Eat. Get fear about answering door to judgemental delivery person. Do it though because helloooooo…pizza.
7pm – Usually enjoy fresh air around this time of night. Open back door, chain smoke two fags, shut back door. Feel good about self. Catch self in mirror from side. Feel bad about self. Hate self. Realise self is unlovable and will die alone. Remember that even Charles Manson is married. Download Tinder again. Remember Tinder ends in tears. Digestive biscuits (six) be-Lurpakked and be-cheesed. Stuff into self’s mouth.
9pm – bed. Remember packet of Love Hearts in bedside cabinet. Eat them without reading the lovey-dovey messages that seem to mock self.
10pm – slip into lard-induced coma, hating the world, especially thin people in relationships.